A Safe Place to Cry

The past couple of weeks have been rough.  Not just for me, but for many.  For the most part, I've kept everything inside, unable to let it all out, and it built and built and built.  Saturday night I had the opportunity to attend an event that changed all of that.  I was in a place where I was surrounded by people with the same focus and goal.  As we sang and praised God, I looked around and saw people with whom I felt spiritually and emotionally safe.  In this place of love and joy, I felt everything inside me begin to come out - all the stress, grief, anger, fear, worry, and sadness burst out of me with a vengeance.  It was an ugly cry, but it was a healthy one.  For those of you that were there...thank you!  You might not have even known - in fact, I'm sure most of you didn't - but you are one of my safe havens.  You are people with whom I can let go and find my center once more.  The happy in my day was that place where God was in the midst of us and where our lives are intertwined.  #findthehappyinyourday

Are you sitting down?

These words are NOT what anyone wants to hear when they pick up the phone.  In early December of 2002, those were the first words out of my Dad's mouth when I answered the phone.  I assured him that I was sitting (after a split second of terrible thoughts).  He then said, "Your mother and I have gotten together and bought you and Catherine a car.  It's a 2002 Saturn with a manual transmission.  When can you come to Orlando?".  I was surprised and overwhelmed and so very grateful, as my 10 year old Honda Accord had become unreliable.  A few days later I drove to Orlando, left my Honda and picked up the Saturn.  It has been a great car for the past 12 and 1/2 years.   When we bought my new vehicle recently, Wayne and I made the decision to donate the Saturn to Goodwill.  They came and picked it up today.

I'm excited to have a new vehicle to drive - for the first time ever I sit up high enough to see what's going on around me (all of my previous cars have been low to the ground) and it has all kinds of fun extras.  It is, however, the end of an era.  Every car I have owned since I got my license at age 16 has been a manual transmission.  Since I learned to drive the first one (which was quite an adventure), I have been a fan;  I truly enjoy the process of the clutch and being in control of when it's time to change gears.  I know I will get used to the automatic - that's not the point.  I will miss driving a stick, which is a vanishing skill.  I'm also waiting for the first time I have to stop quickly and stomp on the brake with both feet, looking for the clutch!

I said my good-byes to the Saturn and my hellos to the Mazda (named Ruby) and I am now excited to move forward.  Happy Driving!

Riches

September 8, 2013

As I reflected on this long, busy, difficult week of saying goodbye to my Daddy I came to a realization that I need to share.  It's not a new concept, but it is one I tend to push to the back burner more often than I should.
I am rich; in so many ways and far more so than I deserve.  Here are a few of the ways in which I am rich.
I have a husband who loves me.  I recognize and acknowledge this on a regular basis, but it hit me in a huge way this week.  Wayne was willing to drop everything he had planned last Saturday in order to help me arrange a flight to Arizona and then help me pack and get me to the airport on time.  He then rearranged his week and flew out on Tuesday because I asked him to be there with me, drove from the airport to Tucson so he could meet members of my family he had not yet met, and then drove us back to Globe.  Wayne made flight arrangements for us both to fly back, then changed them when we needed to stay an extra day, and changed his again when it was decided he and my sister would drive a Uhaul truck back to Florida.  He took charge of locating, identifying, sorting, and labeling Daddy's tools and machinery (a daunting task!), and pretty much did anything that was asked of him or that he saw needed to be done.  Through all of this he smiled, laughed, joked, hugged, encouraged, and all the rest of the things that make him Wayne.
I have a sister who is a ROCK in a crisis and whom I love dearly.  Diana made the hard decisions, walked the rest of us through everything, made phone calls, took charge, and just DID what needed to be done.  She helped me laugh when I needed to, cried with me, made arrangements, helped me see reason when I was being a little crazy, and is, as I am writing, driving from Arizona to Florida in a Uhaul truck.
I have a mother and a step-mother who made decisions together and talked about Daddy together.  Mom told us the stories behind many of Daddy's things, cried with us, laughed with us, and helped make decisions.  They both loved my Daddy and I love both of them.
Catherine loved her Grandfather Dear (as he jokingly wanted to be called) and made the decision to miss a week of grad school classes in order to fly out and spend the week in Arizona.  She hugged, laughed, cried, sorted, told stories, did the majority of the work on the picture boards, sang, made sure I ate, and was a huge help.  I am thankful for such a loving daughter.
This week gave me the opportunity to get reacquainted with members of my extended family - two uncles, an aunt, three cousins, and a second cousin.  We haven't seen each other in many years and it was such a pleasure to spend time with them.  There were tears and hugs, stories and laughter (especially when we spent time looking at a box of pictures), and so much love.
And, then there are the many, many friends and family (from all aspects of our lives) who checked in on us on a regular basis, offered to help in any way, took care of things at home and work, answered my incoherent 3am Facebook messages, sent frequent text messages, sent flowers and plants and cards, prayed and prayed and prayed, and so much more.
I am indeed a rich woman.  And a thankful one.

The Start of Summer

June 1, 2013

Yesterday was the end of a very long month; a month filled with stress, fun, excitement, exhaustion, tears, laughter, difficult decisions, travel, and more.  Today is a day of many emotions.

As a teacher, I have mixed emotions about this day.  It's the day after the last student day of the school year.  After 9 months of being with my 7th graders, I have now given birth to a group of 8th graders.  As with any school year, it was a year filled with laughter and tears (mine and theirs), drama (this is, after all, Middle School), learning (again, mine and theirs) and so much stress on so many levels.  I taught, retaught, reretaught, poked, prodded, encouraged, nagged, rereretaught, fussed, insisted, praised, loved, tough-loved, worried, spent sleepless nights, learned new methods, questioned myself,  and taught some more.  I upset some students and their parents and they upset me.  I endured endless questioning of my methods, personality, decisions, and character by parents and administrators.  I set the bar high and was required to lower it (and then heard how my expectations were not high enough).  I did what I could.  Did I make mistakes?  Oh, yes, in a HUGE way.  Did I learn from them?  I hope so.  It was a day of accepting last-minute assignments, grading them, and finalizing grades;  a day of signing yearbooks, saying goodbye and good luck, opening my door to two of my girls from last year who launched themselves at me and hugged me until I wondered if they were going to let go and thanking me for what I taught them last year.    By the end of the day, I was wrung out.

On Monday, I have to finish packing up my classroom (no, I'm not moving out of the room, but still have to pack everything up - I am NOT going into that today).  I will say goodbye to some colleagues who are  leaving and that will be difficult - it's also something I don't do well.

Today, Catherine is leaving her beloved Holy Mountain (Sewanee) to begin the next phase of her life.  She is moving all of her belongings and her cats to Greensboro, NC where she still has to find a place to live.  Wayne flew up on Thursday to help her do this and I couldn't go.  So, I am living this from afar and that is incredibly hard.

Today is the beginning of the summer for me and that is a beautiful thing.  I have things I want to accomplish and some decisions to make, but I also have a lot of R and R planned - books to read, pictures to take, trips to take, and memories to make.  I plan to take care of myself, both physically and mentally and take care of my relationships.  Those things come first.  Then, I will do some of the more mundane things like cleaning and purging some of the stuff I have accumulated.

The first day of June...so many possibilities.

Getting to Know You...

April 5, 2013

This has been a week of ups and downs - a week that has exhausted me to the point that all I seem to be able to do in the evenings is sit in front of my computer and the tv and eat (preferably as much chocolate as I can get my hands on). School gets more and more stressful as we move toward FCAT testing.  There are so many things running through my head that there are times during the day when I can't utter a coherent sentence.  I keep asking myself if there's more information I can stuff inside their heads, more test-taking strategies I can give them, more ways of choosing the right answer, more ways of destressing before they take this high-stakes test, and so on and so on and so on.  And then the next thought I have is, "My God, these are children who need more from my class than just Math knowledge and test-taking strategies!!".  Where is the time for me to get to know them as people?  to know what they enjoy doing and what makes them laugh and what makes them sad or afraid?  Where is the time to just TALK to them?  Don't get me wrong, I DO some of this, as time permits.  

I know a little bit about some of my kids - sports they play and/or enjoy watching, which of my kids are 4Hers, and a few other little tidbits here and there, but not nearly enough.  And, honestly, I'm not sure how many of them know that I truly care about them in ways other than how much math they learn.  Today, I made a point of telling (as a group) how very proud of them I am, and how much I have seen them change since August.  I also had a conversation (short, but I hope helpful) with one of my girls who is so stressed that she has made herself sick.  I plan to be more deliberate in my questions and showing my interest in them as people for the rest of this year.  My hope is that it will make a difference in their lives, however small, and that it will help them to bloom into the beautiful butterflies God intends them to be.

Well Done, Good and Faithful Servant

March 15, 2013

In the past 3 months I have attended 3 funerals, missed a couple more due to work or other commitments, and know of others I didn't know well who have died.  Of the three funerals I have attended, two were members of my church who were both in their nineties, having lived long and varied lives, and one was my age.

Bob was a wonderful, gentle, giant of a man.  On first glance, he looked gruff and unapproachable and intimidating.  Nothing could have been further from the truth.  Bob had a beautiful smile, a warm hug, and fierce way of protecting those around him.  He was a wonderful cook and his face lit up whenever he was complimented on his culinary creations.  Bob loved St. George's and served in many ways, both in leadership and other roles.  There's a Bob-sized hole on the left-hand side of the church on Sunday morning.

June was a tiny woman with a sweet, sweet smile and a heart the size of God.  She was ready with a hug and a smile for everyone.  June greeted newcomers as if they were old friends and when members of the church weren't there, she did her best to find out why and bring them back.   June was always up for a gathering, no matter the reason, and was often the life of the party.  There's a June-sized hole on the right-hand side of the church on Sunday morning.

Today was the hardest.  Brian was my age.  We went to high school together, were in the band, and were in the same group of friends.  Brian was a musician and an athlete.  We lost track of each other after high school, but got the chance to reconnect 2 years ago when his beautiful wife, Michele, and his sister, Brenda, invited me to Brian's surprise 50th birthday party.  Through the magic of Facebook, I have been in contact with all three of them since then.  At his funeral today, we all learned so much more of who Brian was as an adult - a husband, father, chef, fisherman, and a Sergeant with the Orange County Sheriff's office, just to name a few.  He was well respected and beautifully honored today.  And, I believe there is a Brian-sized hole in many lives tonight.

So, what are my takeaways from these 3 lives?  Love each other, smile as much as possible, help others to feel loved, and show Christ to all with whom you come into contact.  I'm sure that as each of these beautiful people reached the gates of Heaven, they heard the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant.  Well done.".

Rest in peace, Bob, June, and Brian.  Know that you were loved and that you are missed.  Until we meet again...

A New Year...A New Start

January 4, 2013

Last year I started the year with a rather lofty goal of taking a picture every day and writing about it.  I did great until the end of May, got behind, and couldn't get caught up so I stopped.  For a long time I viewed this as a failure on my part.  This morning, I decided that I didn't fail - I was 42% successful!  I am tweaking this some for this year in order to be more successful and less overwhelmed.  My goal this year is to write at least once a week - there may be weeks I don't write at all and weeks I write more.  The writings are, for the most part, for me - a place to put my thoughts and feelings into words.  I will share them with you in the hope that something I say will resonate within you.  I don't expect all of you to agree with me, as this would be a boring world if we all agreed on everything!  And so, 2013 begins...
On New Year's Eve we had our annual gathering with dear friends.  It was a blend of food and wine, laughter and serious conversations, chaos and calm; a microcosm of another year of our friendship.  I spent a period of time outside by the fire pit by myself, enjoying the quiet, reviewing the past year, and reflecting on the coming year.  It was a year of ups and downs, with many joys and some sorrows.  A pretty typical year in most respects.
I have chosen NOT to make any resolutions for 2013.  Instead, I am setting some goals to work toward.  Some would say there's not a difference in resolutions and goals, but I believe there's a huge difference.  A resolution has a connotation of failure if it is not achieved, while a goal is something to work toward until it is achieved, no matter how long that takes.   And one of my goals is to set myself up for success rather than for failure.  I tend to dwell on my failures as a mother, wife, sister, friend, teacher, Christian so I am going to work on noting my successes instead!
I'm glad you're taking this journey with me this year.  Here's to a highly successful 2013!