Monday, February 26, 2018
A Safe Place to Cry
The past couple of weeks have been rough. Not just for me, but for many. For the most part, I've kept everything inside, unable to let it all out, and it built and built and built. Saturday night I had the opportunity to attend an event that changed all of that. I was in a place where I was surrounded by people with the same focus and goal. As we sang and praised God, I looked around and saw people with whom I felt spiritually and emotionally safe. In this place of love and joy, I felt everything inside me begin to come out - all the stress, grief, anger, fear, worry, and sadness burst out of me with a vengeance. It was an ugly cry, but it was a healthy one. For those of you that were there...thank you! You might not have even known - in fact, I'm sure most of you didn't - but you are one of my safe havens. You are people with whom I can let go and find my center once more. The happy in my day was that place where God was in the midst of us and where our lives are intertwined. #findthehappyinyourday
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Are you sitting down?
These words are NOT what anyone wants to hear when they pick up the phone. In early December of 2002, those were the first words out of my Dad's mouth when I answered the phone. I assured him that I was sitting (after a split second of terrible thoughts). He then said, "Your mother and I have gotten together and bought you and Catherine a car. It's a 2002 Saturn with a manual transmission. When can you come to Orlando?". I was surprised and overwhelmed and so very grateful, as my 10 year old Honda Accord had become unreliable. A few days later I drove to Orlando, left my Honda and picked up the Saturn. It has been a great car for the past 12 and 1/2 years. When we bought my new vehicle recently, Wayne and I made the decision to donate the Saturn to Goodwill. They came and picked it up today.
I'm excited to have a new vehicle to drive - for the first time ever I sit up high enough to see what's going on around me (all of my previous cars have been low to the ground) and it has all kinds of fun extras. It is, however, the end of an era. Every car I have owned since I got my license at age 16 has been a manual transmission. Since I learned to drive the first one (which was quite an adventure), I have been a fan; I truly enjoy the process of the clutch and being in control of when it's time to change gears. I know I will get used to the automatic - that's not the point. I will miss driving a stick, which is a vanishing skill. I'm also waiting for the first time I have to stop quickly and stomp on the brake with both feet, looking for the clutch!
I said my good-byes to the Saturn and my hellos to the Mazda (named Ruby) and I am now excited to move forward. Happy Driving!
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Riches
As I reflected on this long, busy, difficult week of saying goodbye to my Daddy I came to a realization that I need to share. It's not a new concept, but it is one I tend to push to the back burner more often than I should.
I am rich; in so many ways and far more so than I deserve. Here are a few of the ways in which I am rich.
I have a husband who loves me. I recognize and acknowledge this on a regular basis, but it hit me in a huge way this week. Wayne was willing to drop everything he had planned last Saturday in order to help me arrange a flight to Arizona and then help me pack and get me to the airport on time. He then rearranged his week and flew out on Tuesday because I asked him to be there with me, drove from the airport to Tucson so he could meet members of my family he had not yet met, and then drove us back to Globe. Wayne made flight arrangements for us both to fly back, then changed them when we needed to stay an extra day, and changed his again when it was decided he and my sister would drive a Uhaul truck back to Florida. He took charge of locating, identifying, sorting, and labeling Daddy's tools and machinery (a daunting task!), and pretty much did anything that was asked of him or that he saw needed to be done. Through all of this he smiled, laughed, joked, hugged, encouraged, and all the rest of the things that make him Wayne.
I have a sister who is a ROCK in a crisis and whom I love dearly. Diana made the hard decisions, walked the rest of us through everything, made phone calls, took charge, and just DID what needed to be done. She helped me laugh when I needed to, cried with me, made arrangements, helped me see reason when I was being a little crazy, and is, as I am writing, driving from Arizona to Florida in a Uhaul truck.
I have a mother and a step-mother who made decisions together and talked about Daddy together. Mom told us the stories behind many of Daddy's things, cried with us, laughed with us, and helped make decisions. They both loved my Daddy and I love both of them.
Catherine loved her Grandfather Dear (as he jokingly wanted to be called) and made the decision to miss a week of grad school classes in order to fly out and spend the week in Arizona. She hugged, laughed, cried, sorted, told stories, did the majority of the work on the picture boards, sang, made sure I ate, and was a huge help. I am thankful for such a loving daughter.
This week gave me the opportunity to get reacquainted with members of my extended family - two uncles, an aunt, three cousins, and a second cousin. We haven't seen each other in many years and it was such a pleasure to spend time with them. There were tears and hugs, stories and laughter (especially when we spent time looking at a box of pictures), and so much love.
And, then there are the many, many friends and family (from all aspects of our lives) who checked in on us on a regular basis, offered to help in any way, took care of things at home and work, answered my incoherent 3am Facebook messages, sent frequent text messages, sent flowers and plants and cards, prayed and prayed and prayed, and so much more.
I am indeed a rich woman. And a thankful one.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
The Start of Summer
Yesterday was the end of a very long month; a month filled with stress, fun, excitement, exhaustion, tears, laughter, difficult decisions, travel, and more. Today is a day of many emotions.
As a teacher, I have mixed emotions about this day. It's the day after the last student day of the school year. After 9 months of being with my 7th graders, I have now given birth to a group of 8th graders. As with any school year, it was a year filled with laughter and tears (mine and theirs), drama (this is, after all, Middle School), learning (again, mine and theirs) and so much stress on so many levels. I taught, retaught, reretaught, poked, prodded, encouraged, nagged, rereretaught, fussed, insisted, praised, loved, tough-loved, worried, spent sleepless nights, learned new methods, questioned myself, and taught some more. I upset some students and their parents and they upset me. I endured endless questioning of my methods, personality, decisions, and character by parents and administrators. I set the bar high and was required to lower it (and then heard how my expectations were not high enough). I did what I could. Did I make mistakes? Oh, yes, in a HUGE way. Did I learn from them? I hope so. It was a day of accepting last-minute assignments, grading them, and finalizing grades; a day of signing yearbooks, saying goodbye and good luck, opening my door to two of my girls from last year who launched themselves at me and hugged me until I wondered if they were going to let go and thanking me for what I taught them last year. By the end of the day, I was wrung out.
On Monday, I have to finish packing up my classroom (no, I'm not moving out of the room, but still have to pack everything up - I am NOT going into that today). I will say goodbye to some colleagues who are leaving and that will be difficult - it's also something I don't do well.
Today, Catherine is leaving her beloved Holy Mountain (Sewanee) to begin the next phase of her life. She is moving all of her belongings and her cats to Greensboro, NC where she still has to find a place to live. Wayne flew up on Thursday to help her do this and I couldn't go. So, I am living this from afar and that is incredibly hard.
Today is the beginning of the summer for me and that is a beautiful thing. I have things I want to accomplish and some decisions to make, but I also have a lot of R and R planned - books to read, pictures to take, trips to take, and memories to make. I plan to take care of myself, both physically and mentally and take care of my relationships. Those things come first. Then, I will do some of the more mundane things like cleaning and purging some of the stuff I have accumulated.
The first day of June...so many possibilities.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Getting to Know You...
April 5, 2013
This has been a week of ups and downs - a week that has exhausted me to the point that all I seem to be able to do in the evenings is sit in front of my computer and the tv and eat (preferably as much chocolate as I can get my hands on). School gets more and more stressful as we move toward FCAT testing. There are so many things running through my head that there are times during the day when I can't utter a coherent sentence. I keep asking myself if there's more information I can stuff inside their heads, more test-taking strategies I can give them, more ways of choosing the right answer, more ways of destressing before they take this high-stakes test, and so on and so on and so on. And then the next thought I have is, "My God, these are children who need more from my class than just Math knowledge and test-taking strategies!!". Where is the time for me to get to know them as people? to know what they enjoy doing and what makes them laugh and what makes them sad or afraid? Where is the time to just TALK to them? Don't get me wrong, I DO some of this, as time permits.
I know a little bit about some of my kids - sports they play and/or enjoy watching, which of my kids are 4Hers, and a few other little tidbits here and there, but not nearly enough. And, honestly, I'm not sure how many of them know that I truly care about them in ways other than how much math they learn. Today, I made a point of telling (as a group) how very proud of them I am, and how much I have seen them change since August. I also had a conversation (short, but I hope helpful) with one of my girls who is so stressed that she has made herself sick. I plan to be more deliberate in my questions and showing my interest in them as people for the rest of this year. My hope is that it will make a difference in their lives, however small, and that it will help them to bloom into the beautiful butterflies God intends them to be.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Well Done, Good and Faithful Servant
In the past 3 months I have attended 3 funerals, missed a couple more due to work or other commitments, and know of others I didn't know well who have died. Of the three funerals I have attended, two were members of my church who were both in their nineties, having lived long and varied lives, and one was my age.
Bob was a wonderful, gentle, giant of a man. On first glance, he looked gruff and unapproachable and intimidating. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Bob had a beautiful smile, a warm hug, and fierce way of protecting those around him. He was a wonderful cook and his face lit up whenever he was complimented on his culinary creations. Bob loved St. George's and served in many ways, both in leadership and other roles. There's a Bob-sized hole on the left-hand side of the church on Sunday morning.
June was a tiny woman with a sweet, sweet smile and a heart the size of God. She was ready with a hug and a smile for everyone. June greeted newcomers as if they were old friends and when members of the church weren't there, she did her best to find out why and bring them back. June was always up for a gathering, no matter the reason, and was often the life of the party. There's a June-sized hole on the right-hand side of the church on Sunday morning.
Today was the hardest. Brian was my age. We went to high school together, were in the band, and were in the same group of friends. Brian was a musician and an athlete. We lost track of each other after high school, but got the chance to reconnect 2 years ago when his beautiful wife, Michele, and his sister, Brenda, invited me to Brian's surprise 50th birthday party. Through the magic of Facebook, I have been in contact with all three of them since then. At his funeral today, we all learned so much more of who Brian was as an adult - a husband, father, chef, fisherman, and a Sergeant with the Orange County Sheriff's office, just to name a few. He was well respected and beautifully honored today. And, I believe there is a Brian-sized hole in many lives tonight.
So, what are my takeaways from these 3 lives? Love each other, smile as much as possible, help others to feel loved, and show Christ to all with whom you come into contact. I'm sure that as each of these beautiful people reached the gates of Heaven, they heard the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant. Well done.".
Rest in peace, Bob, June, and Brian. Know that you were loved and that you are missed. Until we meet again...
Friday, January 4, 2013
A New Year...A New Start
Last year I started the year with a rather lofty goal of taking a picture every day and writing about it. I did great until the end of May, got behind, and couldn't get caught up so I stopped. For a long time I viewed this as a failure on my part. This morning, I decided that I didn't fail - I was 42% successful! I am tweaking this some for this year in order to be more successful and less overwhelmed. My goal this year is to write at least once a week - there may be weeks I don't write at all and weeks I write more. The writings are, for the most part, for me - a place to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I will share them with you in the hope that something I say will resonate within you. I don't expect all of you to agree with me, as this would be a boring world if we all agreed on everything! And so, 2013 begins...
On New Year's Eve we had our annual gathering with dear friends. It was a blend of food and wine, laughter and serious conversations, chaos and calm; a microcosm of another year of our friendship. I spent a period of time outside by the fire pit by myself, enjoying the quiet, reviewing the past year, and reflecting on the coming year. It was a year of ups and downs, with many joys and some sorrows. A pretty typical year in most respects.
I have chosen NOT to make any resolutions for 2013. Instead, I am setting some goals to work toward. Some would say there's not a difference in resolutions and goals, but I believe there's a huge difference. A resolution has a connotation of failure if it is not achieved, while a goal is something to work toward until it is achieved, no matter how long that takes. And one of my goals is to set myself up for success rather than for failure. I tend to dwell on my failures as a mother, wife, sister, friend, teacher, Christian so I am going to work on noting my successes instead!
I'm glad you're taking this journey with me this year. Here's to a highly successful 2013!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Written Words
One of the great memories of my childhood was opening the mailbox to find a letter from my grandmother. Even better was a letter from her that was addressed to ME. I knew her handwriting before I could read the words. Most of us remember learning to print and then the excitement and terror of learning to write in cursive. We were all taught the basics of the curves and loops and lines and connectors, all of us trying to make our letters look like the models on the board or the paper. Even as we struggled with trying to make each letter perfect, our personalities and quirks began to come through in our writing and we each developed our own style.
The onset of the digital world has caused the demise of this particular art form, as keyboards replace pens and pencils. Most of the students I have now have never been taught cursive writing and struggle to read it. Do I think we should go back to a time when everything was handwritten and we didn't have access to the many wonders of the digital world? Of course not. But, I do find it sad that such a beautiful and personal way of expression may someday be a thing of the past.
The Morning After
The day after...the sun came up, the flags dropped to half staff and we began our new normal. The nation was in shock. Did this really happen or was it a shared nightmare? The answer? Yes, it really happened and we were living in a shared nightmare. The frantic search for survivors continued, the tears flowed, travel came to a standstill, and the world watched us stumble, then catch each other and stand back up. We mourned, cried, prayed, sang, held each other up, and began to rise again, determined that terrorists would not bring us to our knees. People from all over the world prayed and cried with us, and sent us messages of sympathy, hope, and encouragement, and offers of help. We learned of a man named Osama Bin Laden, of whom many of us had never heard, and of his plans - how he used our own willingness to welcome non-Americans against us.
The day after...our world had changed forever.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
9/11
This picture is from June of 1996 - who knew that capturing the towers in the background would be important only a few years later.
My 9/11 story is not particularly exciting or unique or memorable. On that morning I was at school teaching Math to 7th graders and knew nothing of what was happening until after both towers had been hit. I walked through the teacher's lounge and glanced at the television to see smoke billowing out of the towers; I stopped to see what was happening and was stunned upon hearing the basics of the story. At that point I went back to my classroom, got my phone, and went outside to start calling family members since I wanted to make sure I knew where everyone was (particularly Mom who had been traveling off and on for several months and had mentioned going to New York City). It took a while, but I finally got through to everyone. When I got home that afternoon I turned on the tv and just sat and watched...and watched and watched. I couldn't take my eyes off of it for days. On Thursday we knew that Tropical Storm Gabrielle was headed our way and she hit us head on Friday. It was a relief when the power went out because then I couldn't watch tv any more.
There's no real reason for this (I had no personal connection to anyone in New York, Pennsylvania, or DC), but I was a mess for months. I found myself crying for no reason, snapping at people who didn't deserve it, and my poor sleeping habits got even worse.
However, I found such inspiration in the heroism and patriotism surrounding that day and the days, weeks, and months that followed. Heroism in the form of the First Responders, the coworkers, the members of the church that survived and became a sanctuary for the weary and the mourning and the rescue workers, and people from all over the world who banded together to help in any way they could. The way we banded together as a country was beautiful. People from all walks of life worked together, prayed together, and held each other up in this time of crisis. I have always loved this country and the way we came together gave me such hope.
Always remember. Never forget. Love one another. Help each other. Hold each other up.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Back Home Again in Indiana
Today is a sad day for me as I am sitting at home in Florida watching the Indianapolis 500 on TV instead of sitting at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway watching the race in person. I have watched this race my entire life as Speedway is my mom's hometown and my dad has always been a race fan (my theory is that if he had been given the opportunity, he could have been a pretty successful driver). My grandparents house was a mile or so from the track, mom now lives across from the track, and we have family and good friends all over the area. When I was in 4th grade we spent several weeks in May with my grandparents. Strangely enough I had never been to the race itself until about 10 years ago. It has become an annual pilgrimage that is not as much about the race as it is about spending the weekend with family and friends, walking up and down Georgetown, relaxing, and having fun. Of course, attending the race is part of the fun and is hard to describe to someone who hasn't been to it. The energy of the crowd of several hundred thousand, the festivities prior to the race, the parade of members of the Armed Forces riding around the track waving to the crowd, the whine of the cars, and so much more add to the excitement. It truly is the Greatest Spectacle in Racing! Our plan is to be back there next year.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Coasters
Yesterday at Legoland I went on all four of the roller coasters with Catherine. That may not seem like a big deal, but for me it's HUGE. Roller coasters scare me. I really dislike the feeling of going downhill quickly and all that twisting and turning makes me feel like I'm going to go flying off into space and then crash into the ground. The four coasters at Legoland are geared more toward children, which makes them just about my speed!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Excellent Adventures
We like to go on adventures. Today's adventure took us to Legoland. Yes, three adult children wandering around Legoland - Wayne, Catherine, and myself. It was a lot of fun - pretty low key, lots of lego creations to see (including this WELCOME sign), a few rides, a very hokey but fun ski show, and part of the original Cypress Gardens. The MiniLand, where places such as Times Square, Kennedy Space Center, part of Las Vegas, and Daytona Speedway have been recreated in Legos, was quite interesting. All in all, an excellent adventure!
Road Trip
During the summer of 1997 (or maybe 1998), Daddy was racing the AHRMA circuit on his vintage Penton that he had rebuilt. One of the races was at Mid Ohio Raceway. He invited me to go along on a quick trip for that race. We took off from Savannah, GA late one afternoon and drove all night, arriving at Mid Ohio in the morning. Daddy registered, we looked around at the vendors, and then found a hotel to get some sleep. The next morning we were at the track for his races, spending the day there. At one point a woman came up to me and asked if I wanted to register to race as they needed another woman in the event. She made sure I knew that if I raced I would get a trophy no matter what since they were giving trophies to the top three in each category and there would be only three women! I didn't race but I sure was tempted!! Daddy placed well in his races. We got up before daylight the next morning and headed to Orlando, arriving that night.
It was a very quick trip but so much fun! We talked and laughed and just generally enjoyed spending the time together.
The Magic Bean
Another of the fun sights from our Chicago trip 4 years ago was this bean-shaped mirror ball in Millenium Park. It was fascinating and drew quite a crowd. You can see yourself reflected in it from quite a distance away.
Racing
In June, Wayne and I will celebrate our 5th anniversary. The first Christmas we were married, I gave Wayne the gift of driving an Indy car. After looking at all of the choices of tracks and the possible dates the following summer, he settled on Chicagoland Speedway the week of our first anniversary. So, we spent a week in Chicago sightseeing, attending a Cubs vs White Sox game at Wrigley, and Wayne got to go to driving school and drive this car! Yes, this is really a picture of him driving the car. It was worth the whole trip to see the look on his face when he got out of the car!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Cookie Cutter Teachers
Through thirteen years of public school (Kindergarten through 12th grade), four years of college for an undergraduate degree, several years of working toward (and obtaining) a Master's degree, four courses granting me a certificate to teach gifted students, countless professional development courses, and twenty-eight years of teaching beside hundreds of other teachers I have seen just about every type of teacher there could possibly be. Each one of them taught me something, and I think the most important lesson I learned is how to get along with many different types of people and how to do things many different ways. I had teachers who taught through lectures, discussions, outlines, notes, small group work, whole-class instruction, one-on-one instruction, and hands-on activities. Some of them had classrooms with tables and some with desks. We sat in rows, in small groups, at tables of two or three or four, and in large circles. Some teachers were approachable and some were not. Some teachers cracked jokes and some did not. I learned from every one of them.
There is a movement afoot to create what I call "cookie cutter teachers". We are all supposed to teach the same lesson on the same day in the same way with our rooms set up in small groups. Each lesson must have a "productive group work" component and all "whole group instruction" is seen as an example of poor teaching. Please don't misunderstand - I don't think working in small groups is always bad. I just don't think it is the be-all-and-end-all of teaching methods. Nor do I think it is the best method for all teachers or for all students. I know teachers who use it successfully. I also know teachers for whom it is not an effective tool.
My contention is that teachers should not all be the same. If we all teach exactly the same way, how will children learn to adapt and get along in a variety of situations with many different kinds of people?
Romance
Candles and crystal, champagne and strawberries, moonlight and roses...all of these are common symbols of traditional romance. I have nothing against any of these and, indeed, enjoy all of them. They're all beautiful ways of showing love and creating an atmosphere of romance. When I was younger, I thought these were the best ways of showing love, and I was often disappointed. I have found over the years that love and romance take on many forms, and all are significant and fill my heart. Some of the best of the last few years are the assurance that Wayne will be here at the end of the day and will love me no matter how good or bad the day was, flowers "just because", Wayne fixing poached eggs three nights in a row because I was sick and that's all that tasted good, a walk on the beach, holding hands, knowing I'm not expected to be perfect, spending the evening just being together, and Saturday mornings eating breakfast together and reading the paper to each other. Oh, and candles and crystal, champagne and strawberries, moonlight and roses...
Armed Forces Day
Happy Armed Forces Day! Today we celebrate all who are a part of our Armed Forces and all that they do. What DO they do? Members of our Armed Forces keep us safe, preserve our rights (even our right to protest against them, which upsets me more than I can say), put themselves in harm's way, leave their families to protect the rest of us, and try to help people in countries that often don't want their help. This is a picture of my dad, Frank L. Walls, and he is one of my heroes. Thank you to all who have served.
Reading
Catherine is a reader. She has loved books since long before she could read (truly, since before she could walk!). There have been books in her life since she was born...we gave her books for every occasion and read to her at every opportunity. As a toddler she would bring us books to read to her. As she grew older, she would "read" them to us. One of my fondest memories is of Catherine climbing into Great-Grandma Susie's lap with a book and proceeding to "read" the book to her great-grandmother since her eyesight prevented her from reading to Catherine. To Catherine, it wasn't a problem - it didn't matter to her who did the reading as long as there was reading!
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